The funniest thing today

Fish alphabet

2008-08-23T17:34:00.004+01:00

This was intensely funny. AK sent me this after a production with Noosh and one of the Puzzle fish, for people with like minds.

Getting to Duck Island

2008-05-14T09:52:00.000+01:00

Three days of nonsense camping in the Forest of Dean. Without sleeping bags. But by the end of it we'd made a boat, and a double bed, and a pyre. And if nothing else this video serves to bottle AK's soul whereupon it will be preserved and stashed in the Natural History museum until well after we are all dust and will be discovered by little green men who will look at it and for the very first time in their little green lives, they will piss themselves. As I do, every time he sits on twiggy...

Getting to Duck Island from eD Sells on Vimeo.

Over and out

2008-05-14T09:16:00.002+01:00

Sent a blanket email out in search of what planet earth calls Bodge. Got a bounce from one of the eail addresses I tried which was hilarious enough for me to blow the cobwebs from this corner of planet web. It reads as follows:

Much to everyone's dismay, I have now left the Met Office.

If your query is regarding recruitment, please contact: HREnquiries@metoffice.gov.uk or 01392 885000

Goodbye, and thanks for all the fish.

Andrew

Gawd bless im. Heheheheheheheh. Bodge, wherever you are, I love you.

Learning chinese

2008-03-04T09:35:00.001Z

Small Horse: "Tai Ni Po Ni"

Ahhhh, that's so good.

Commentary

2008-01-24T11:13:00.000Z

I opened my eyes in the lab this morning to see this on an email from Jess:

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

They say that when you laugh out when while nobody's there it's a true sign of comedy. I didn't shut up for a long time.

BGA strikes again

2008-01-23T12:21:00.000Z

Email to the Mech-Eng department from one of our proffessors:

"At what stage in their career might one of our students be expected to be able to differentiate between energy, force and power?

Or will they all have forgotten by the time they get to their final exam??"

Response to the Mech-Eng department from BGA:

"Probably before some Academics can differentiate between useful information and spam?"

----

Sometimes it's totally worth having an inbox.

A message from the fish

2007-11-28T14:58:00.000Z

Dear Mr talking Horse,

T'is a nay i'm afraid dear fellow!! [I'd invited him to come see a murmuration]
But would like to say that - yay - tis an amazing sight!! If I may regail you....
Twas Early January on a lovely clear evening that I was driving from Hampshire to Aberdeen and was roughly Lake District area when the witching hour did'th fast approach'eth, whence did I see, with mine own two eyes, yon cloud on the horizon, and did suppose to one's-self, there t'was a bit of a breeze in the air, as yon cloud did appear to be quite light on it's feet!!
Buy nay!! As one's-self did fast approach'eth (as fast as one can in a crappy old 1liter Micra, you understand!) yes, er - As one's-self did fast approach'eth, twas struck with dumb as yon cloud was erratically changing dirction, twas then i noticed the most wonderous sight of a cloud about 10 times bigger than the aforementioned - alot lower and incredibly more stunning than any sky ad!!
As i was engrossed with awe at this fantabolism unfolding before me, t'was trundling along and looking up to grab my last view before i passed beneath them, when - plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink!

T'was then that my vision was severly impared by a thousand little shits!!

so ended the wonderous event - in quite literally - a rain of shit!!

>

Fish

Mopping AK

2007-11-08T13:53:00.000Z

It's a hot day and we run out of scrubbers to clean the garden furniture with, so we use the next best thing: AK's head. There's a bad initial reaction when we float the idea... but me and Chris get him. There's nothing better than cleaning furniture with your mate's head.

For the rest of the weekend, 'mopping' is the ultimate threat.

Horsing around

2007-11-08T13:51:00.000Z

Ah man, this was so funny at one point I saw AK (the back of the horse) rolling around on the ground.

Dog or corpse

2007-11-02T11:08:00.000Z

From Steve & Lou's brilliant birthday arose a question from murky depths... and there's some priceless reactions in here:

WARNING: This is sick.

Cudos to Rich for a superb editing job. By far the funniest thing today.

Suited and booted

2007-10-31T11:13:00.000Z

I wander down to the lab because the morning's work is taking its toll, to find eD looking a bit pale...

You would, wouldn't you

Fright night

2007-10-31T01:06:00.000Z

It's halloween...

Technology sucks

2007-10-26T13:18:00.000+01:00

After the death of my pda, the office phone, outlook and any program which has to deal with a .3gp extension, Paul and I waved two fingers at technology and piled up some leaves.

It's so funny how you can completely disappear. Or not, if you don't have enough leaves.

Boston

2007-10-25T13:57:00.000+01:00

During a week kicking around in Boston waiting for my conference to start...

Acorn Street ("the most photographed street in America") is really beautiful street: lovely narrow cobbles, nice brickwork and when I visited it was just the right time of the day for the light to fall in hazy yellow shafts over a dangling american flag. Then someone opend a door from one of the houses in the street and a dog ran out, squatted in the middle of the cobbles and had a shit. I nearly wet myself.

This morning I was walking across a junction in the city and spied a load of police on motorbikes surrounding me. I got out of the road and asked what the deal was. The big american policeman turned round and looked at me squarely in the face, with his silver aviator sunglasses, and said simply "The Elephants are coming". "OK?!" I said. That's code for something I thought, something like the president or the army or maybe a big natural disaster. I waited 30 seconds and then coming up over the top of the highway, to my utter disbelief, was an elephant. Then there were 9 of them all walking past me into Boston. The elephants were definitely coming.

Finally at MIT Media labs I find myself in an elevator watching the most surreal spectacle. A fantastic guy called Noah (who's sensitive to certain air pockets) plays a homemade windup electronic keyboard as Dr B bends over a speaker and knocks out some base by twiddling a stepper motor. It was like some kind of weird electro-french-folk performance, punctuated by the occasional "Ding, level 4". It cracked me up so much that we must have travelled up and down that building at least twice before we got out.

Ponycon

2007-10-25T11:43:00.000+01:00

Rob's a lovely chap, and arrived at Paul's curry night fully clad in lycra. But the funniest thing was his announcement that this weekend he would be going to "Ponycon" 2007 in Bristol. Ponycon is the International My Little Pony Convention.

http://www.mlpconvention.com/

Respect!

The penguin diaries

2007-09-26T12:10:00.000+01:00

Al's been busy in the lab fixing a cursed computer. He's a Windows man, so there was always going to be friction between him and our inflatable penguin (which represents Linux). So far the penguin has been hung, hung and beaten and recently tied to a chair and interogated. Pretty soon the poor little bastard's gonna pop.

A fistfull

2007-09-26T12:04:00.000+01:00

In the office, Ken plays some spaghetti western music on his laptop (Ennio Morricone). I receive a menacing tap on the should and spin round to see Kez's itchy trigger fingers fluttering over her Staedtler highlighters:

Genius.

I'm sorry I haven't a clue

2007-09-25T11:57:00.000+01:00

Took Dad to see the show for his birthday at the Bristol Hippodrome, and heard possibily two of the funniest double-entendres ever.

"Mrs Trellis apologises for not being able to make it to the show because she's visiting a male friend in Birmingham. He's an anaesthetist, and is going to show her how he anaesthetises his patients, and if she's lucky, he'll knock one out in front of her."

followed later by:

"... and then Mrs Trellis was in a game of charades, her hands a-blur as she only had two minutes to pull off 12 angry men..."

Hehehehehehehhhhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhh, that's was so great.

Fight for kisses

2007-09-25T09:15:00.000+01:00

I am a matrix head (/geek), and this really cracked me up when I needed it most.

http://www.ffk-wilkinson.com/

Chilling time

2007-09-11T10:50:00.000+01:00

My laughter was awoken this morning with an email from one of my buddies who was defining his chilling time:

"Thinking about very little (if anything at all), playing guitar/musak listening, cooking and eating, reading excellent books, walking/camping out weekends, wanking, anything that doesn't involve a deadline or report writing, wanking."

Leaving Ireland

2007-08-27T19:19:00.000+01:00

Poor Tim got food poisoning at the last campsite we went to. This involved him unzipping the tent, poking his head out and chucking up on the grass every hour for about 24 hours. It just so happened that there'd been a dog show across the road so our site was rammed with pedigree dogs and their owners. There were some damn fine canines around, some really "classy bitches" as one of the owners put it. But for the dogs this campsite was like a some sort of holiday camp where they could cut loose and live their doggy lives. And so it was that at about 4 in the morning a labrador with a beatifully conditioned coat spied Tim vomitting, trotted up and proceeded to roll around and wallow in it. While Tim was being sick. On the dog. Which loved it. Word quickly got around and a few hours later, again while Tim was being sick, another dog came up and proudly presented a very dead pigeon. Absolutely hilarious.

The groom

2007-08-11T02:09:00.000+01:00

Today I wrote an email, which I sent to everyone male in my addres book:

**** Start of Message ****

MEN,

I’ve been stuck inside on orders to do nothing after an ear op… my noddle is half baked from the anaesthetic so I’ve been doing some odd things. One of these included shaving with a cut throat razor, and was so dumbfounded by the absolute common sense of it all that I thought I’d write and recommend it to you all for the following reasons:

- It’s a skill
- You can either get a blade which you can sharpen with a strop, or get a chassis which takes those flat disposable razor blades you can get from newsagents if having to sharpen it is too much hassle.
- Sharpening is free or it works out at 10p per blade if you go down the disposable route. 10p!!!
- It’s way a closer shave than a safety razor (you don’t get much closer than bleeding)
- If you’re a lazy bastard like me and leave the beard for a while a safety razor just jams. Not so with a nice clean unsafe blade – it whips it off.
(I guess you could use it as a weapon, though it you’d have to be pretty sick in the head.)
- It’s good fun.
- But perhaps most of all, from the kit perspective, it’s the best: small and getting the razors is a piece of piss coz the lill packs of disposable straight razor blades (Gilette/Wilkinson) you get are all standardised. (Even less of a problem if you go for a sharpenable one – though that does mean taking a strop around too).

I used this one:

http://www.carterandbond.com/detail.phtml?pID=DS1010&filter=Shaving%3ARazors%2C+Cut-Throat

but you could probly find a cheaper one out there, e.g.:

http://www.shaving-shack.com/shop/catalog/Shavette-Straight-Razor-Renewable-Blades-Black-p-2652.html

If you do get one that takes disposables, make sure it takes the 1.5” blades. Some chasis are designed to house 2.5” disposable blades but blades this long are not common in newsagents.

**** End message ****

It was after writing this message that I decided to leave the flat, in search of my life.

Out patients

2007-08-11T02:05:00.000+01:00

Its all go slow round here. Haven’t even thought about doing an ounce of work, and had lots of time to move at a slubbornly pace, as per doctors orders. The odd reccie into town, bumped into a few friends in the street and we had a nice chat in the sun. Me with my tampon in my ear, a girl with a full backbrace after a fractured spine in Thailand and Chris (Johnny’s son) with his internet cut clean off. We were all living slightly disabled realities. It was at this point that a pair of pants from the night before (which had been sneakily hiding in my trousers) fell out of my trouser leg and onto the street.

Bing bong

2007-07-22T19:46:00.000+01:00

I crash into a bean bag in the library. It's been one of those logistical Sundays, I've destroyed my todo list after 6 hours of crossings-off, the phone is still cooling off after the admin conversations of life, and throughout all this I've had a vision of ending up in one of the uni library's bean bags - the perfect place to learn some code.

I print my ass into the beanbag with the air of someone who will be here for a long time. Feels good. I've gathered food, water, books, pens and some big chunky earphones and I set out my laptop as if it is the last thing I will ever do. I tweak the cushion and take my shoes off. All that work this morning means I've managed to build a four hour hole here. This could be fantastic. As I push the power button an announcement comes over the PA:

"Bing Bong. This library will be closing in five minutes. Please finish what you are doing."

F**K!!!!!

Being Wendy

2007-06-29T01:34:00.000+01:00

It's been a long time in the making, but I've just finished cutting movie of the Glasto07 blag together. The funniest thing of the whole session was probably Ken's commentary throughout... I'll let the vid do the talking. (How good is Windows Movie Maker?)